• Name: Ashley Cole
• Age: 29
• Plays for Chelsea, England
• Mad skill: Using his pace to make up for defensive slips
• Achilles heel: Fame
• Most Likely to: Consider regrowing that goatee
• Man of the match: Be the first to man of the match Ashley Cole!
• Red Cards: 2

Repeat after us: Ashley Cole is the best left-back in the world. He's not (Patrice Evra is a wee bit better, to name one) but it's a good line for the English media to trot out. Since he left Arsenal for Chelsea in 2006, because he wasn't getting enough £££, Ashley has been known either as "Cashley" or "that bloke what is married to the fit one out of Girls Aloud (Cheryl Tweedy/Cole)". Except Cashley and Cheryl didn't work out so well, no thanks to Ash being an almighty "love rat" (© The tabs).

Also, he has never, ever put a mobile phone anywhere near his backside.